That's so gay

How many times have you heard someone say "that's so gay" or how many times have you yourself said "that's so gay"??  I am an intelligent person and to be honest I cannot count that high.  I fully admit, up until about 4 years ago, I used the expression "that is so gay" only an almost daily basis.  Is it something I am proud of?  No but I am not going to pretend that I am perfect and having been wrong before.  Why is it in today's day and age it is deemed okay to mock people or look down upon their lifestyle if it isn't negatively impacting anyone else? 

Before I continue with my post I would like to explain one thing.  I have decided to use the term gay to cover man/man as well as woman/woman relationships rather then gay or lesbian.  Why?  I asked a close friend why she referred to herself as gay rather then lesbian and her answer has stuck with me, "it's just a label, it doesn't change me or who I am married to" 

Think about it for just a second, do you think that someone would honestly choose a lifestyle where it makes life more difficult due to lack of acceptance?  Kids are killing themselves due to teasing/tormenting based on the fact of who they are attracted to. Parents are trying to beat the "gay" out of their kids.   Who Jim is sleeping with or who Sally is raising her kids with, does it really impact your day to day life?  Unless Jim is sleeping with George and they are cooking meth and selling it at the mall, it doesn't really matter now does it?  I tend to shake my head when I hear people talking about gay marriage and how they are against it.  Simple solution, don't have a gay marriage then if it doesn't work for you.  Well what will happen to the family?  I know a lot of gay people who are happy raising families just like Sue and Joe down the street.  What happens if they divorce?  Probably the same thing that would happen if Paul and Karen across the street got divorced.

I worked as an Assistant Manager for three years at Gap after college.  I remember I used to get all sorts of people coming in and asking what it stood for, the first time it happened I looked at the guy like he had two heads since I didn't understand the question.  What he wanted to know along with many after him did it stand for gay and proud?  In a nutshell, NO.  The name comes from the generation gap between the parents and the youth of the time when the store was started.  I am fairly confident that if in fact it had anything to do with a hidden secret lifestyle, it would be all over the Internet and the tabloids.  I also had a lot of people wonder if we only hired gay guys to flatter the girls, especially the fat ones and tell straight guys that the less expensive stuff looked good so they would buy the more expensive clothing to keep the gays away.  Shhhhh here is the secret answer, if you were qualified you got the job regardless of who you were attracted to.  To the best of my knowledge out of the almost 200 people who were employed at my location in that time, there were 5 non straight people at my store.

According to some of my friends, I tend to have more gay friends/acquaintances then average.  Didn't know that this was part of the census, need to find out how to calculate the average.  Apparently I also tend to attract gays more then average (again with the average), I guess I don't want anyone judging who is in my bed (except maybe someone should have judged between March 2008 and October 2010) so I don't judge them. Maybe I give off some sort of acceptance vibe but I also deal with a larger number of same sex couples in my work then most of my co-workers.  I have had people want to deal with me based on recommendations from their friends because I am not going to judge them.

A relative of mine who I thought the sun rose and set by on a daily basis once made a comment when I was about 13 how she was glad that there weren't any "fags" in our family.  Really?  I write a blog about how my life is like a bad reality show and a family member being into another person of the same gender would have been a bad thing?  Is this the part where I come flying out of the closet announcing that I am in fact a giant lesbian, nah.  I have kissed a girl (twice) and unlike the girl that Katy Perry kissed, she didn't taste like cherry chapstick more like Diet Coke and to be honest it didn't do anything for me or her. 

A few months ago someone I work with, was walking to work and someone drove by and yelled out their window "faggot"  Would you yell "chink" at an Asian person or mock someone who is developmentally delayed?  Probably not unless you are an asshole and if that is the case, please don't read my blog anymore as I have a no asshole policy in place. 

Before I climb off my soapbox, remember man or woman, black or white, gay, straight or bi we all bleed red.

Just like the Final Rose Ceremony

In all fairness to the men whom I have dated in the last five years, I wouldn't want my personal life shared all over the Internet (oh wait that is why I have a Facebook account) without my permission so I won't be sharing details of those relationships here out of respect to them.

Other then going on a reality show filled with roses, broken dreams, a bump it, booze and water proof mascara how does anyone ever meet a mate?  That is the question I asked of myself just over five years ago when I was ready to date after being widowed almost 3 years prior.  At the time, I was working for a large women's retailer and my immediate supervisor was a man.  Many a tongues wagged and stories were murmured amongst the other Managers' that there was a lot more going on then Store Manager and District Manager to the point that I was approached by his boss and HR about "our relationship".  Ohhhh was there scandal brewing at Lime Ridge Mall?  Nope, not even close unless you count me being his coffee bitch as an affair.  Actually he was dating a woman who one of my exes from High School had dated a few times, hello awkward nice to meet you.  The only time things got remotely personal was when he told me that if I didn't stop spending so much damn time at the store I was going to die alone and needed a boyfriend and since I was "boring" and didn't hang out at bars that on-line dating was the way to go.  I went home and thought about it and fought the idea for about 2 weeks then decided to give it a try.  After all I had met several people involved with scrap booking on line and none of them tried to maul, molest or rape me.  I was shocked and horrified to realise that I was going to have to pay money to use a dating site, really why should I do that?  I then heard of a site that was free and even the name sounded promising mentioning all the fish in the sea.

I now understand why the women on dating shows, drink as much as they do and cry so much.  Oh Jesus on a jet ski, I think that my brain lost a few cells each time with each message I read.  There was the guy who I actually met for coffee (well I had a hot chocolate) and he expected me to put out since he bought me a hot chocolate.  Really you think $1.25 will get my pants off?  Sorry not going to happen.  There was the guy who messaged me wanting to know if he could eat Jell-O off my feet?  Blocked instantly but what I want to know was, did he mean prepared Jell-O vs powdered and what flavor?  No, I wouldn't have done it but I have been curious.  The guy who I met who was sporting a fanny pack, Dad jacket, no socks with track pants which now makes me ask people I chat with on-line if they wear a fanny pack.  There were messages filled with so much text lingo that I couldn't translate at all and didn't respond. 

In January as part of the Year of Awesome, I decided to give on-line dating another shot with the above mentioned free site much to the horror of friends and family.  It was a bust and I realised that I am worth more then messages from guys telling me that they want to meet me so they can devour me like the Mandarin buffet or needing a translator to figure out what the hell U B so fyne, here is my digits 905-849- ____ holla at me grl means in English or the barrage of messages from one guy who wanted to know when I was going to give him my home number-how about never.  I realised that the quality of men on this free site wasn't up to my standards and I was worth the money for a paid site. 

After visiting a few different sites and asking people for suggestions, I decided on a site.  The first few days were interesting to say the least and I began to wonder if I had just wasted $66, was I about to be the second last girl who was left and not going to get the rose? Were there any normal guys out there at all?  I quickly figured out how to block people and re-worked my profile taking into consideration advice given by friends KH and BB.  In a nutshell the reworking and advice paid off, the creepers disappeared and the cream rose to the top. Not to be all cryptic and vaguebookish (that is for you Barb) but if you are reading this and know my email address and the part that is missing from it, I have found it and you are the part needed to finish it.

The Year of Awesome.....so far

Leading upto my Birthday, I coined this year my 36th as The Year of Awesome.  In a nutshell it boiled down to wanting to live life to its fullest each day.  I compiled a "Bucket List" of 18 (half of 36) things that I wanted to accomplish this year.  For the most part, each thing on the bucket list wouldn't really impact anyone other then me.

Here is the bucket list, in no particular order and where things stand almost 2 months into The Year of Awesome

1. Get another tattoo.  I know where I want it and what it will say, just working on the design of it.  This will have to happen after I donate blood, see item #5
2. Get out of debt.  When I added this to the list, the debt was higher then it is today.  I am confident by my birthday this will be accomplished
3. Participate in a year long creative challenge.  Along with two very creative friends Kim and Patty, we are working on a scrapbook page a month challenge.  Of course to keep us focused, we decided the flakers would have their picture posted in the local scrapbook store showing their failure.  So far so good.
4. Go to Vegas.  Some planning has happened.
5. Donate blood.  Didn't realise an appointment was needed, need to call tomorrow to arrange for next Friday
6. Get promoted.  Have continued to work by behind off each and every day.  Next step, round table which is coming up next week.  Regardless of the outcome of the round table it will be a great opportunity and learning experience
7. Take my lunch more, buy less.  A real struggle-getting better but could be so much more
8. Read 52 books in 52 weeks.  Thought this was going to be easy peasy mac n cheesy especially with my Kobo that I received at Christmas.  I really need to speed things up a bit.
9. Try sushi.  Went to a Chinese buffet on my birthday with every intention of crossing this item off my list and oh my Mother of all things holy I couldn't do it.  I will try again-soon.....maybe
10. Start and maintain a blog.  Well I started it and things went well for about 2 weeks then I fell off the blogwagon.  I am committed to maintaining this blog and turning it into something more....one day.
11. Ride in a hot air balloon.  I am afraid of heights and need to be in control, not sure how this will work for me but I am willing to give it a shot.
12. Be a local Summer tourist.  Planning is happening for this getting ready for the season.  I live within a short distance of so many amazing touristy things that I want to experience it all this Summer
13. Take a random road trip.  Haven't thought much about this
14. Get my nose re-pierced.  Will need to happen after blood is donated
15. Have a "Come to Jesus meeting with Rick"  I was asked almost 6 years ago not to hate someone, I told them I didn't hate them I hated their behaviour and actions.  I am ready to have a conversation with this person.  Not sure where it will lead but it will give closure on today and yesterday.
16. Go skinny dipping.  No particular reason other then it seems like a fun idea.  No planning or action taken yet
17. THIS IS THE ONLY ITEM ON MY LIST WHICH I AM MAKING PERSONAL AND PRIVATE.  BY THE END OF THE YEAR, I AM HOPING TO HAVE THE OUTCOME BE WHAT I WANT IT TO BE :)
18. Stress less.  This is going amazing.  I really am not sure what I was stressing about so much in the past but I feel like a whole other person.

Check back in late April early May for another update on the "bucket list" for The Year of Awesome

The Wheels on the Bus....What an adventure

Riding the bus in a large urban area is like reading a Choose Your Own Adventure book, you pick the path but never know how things will end up.  As someone who doesn't drive but needs to get from point A to point B other then by walking, I take public transit (bus, train, streetcar, subway) on a daily basis.  There are days when all semms fine and dandy then all of a sudden something happens and I wonder how I ended up on a vehicle going to crazytown.

I have been taking the bus without a parent since I was 10 (with a friend) and 12 (solo).  In that time I have seen a lot of things at times wondering if I was on Cash Cab the bus edition.  Just a mere two days ago there was a woman on my bus who was dancing about and asking other passengers if they had ever seen a crackhead or methhead look as good as her? I can answer that, no you truly are a unique individual Ms Crackhead and if I was a judge offering a sash for "Most Cracked Out" you would win hands down.  About a mnth ago there was a guy near the back of the bus where I was sitting who thought he was on his way to being the next great rapper equal only to the great Kish.  Once he was done entertaining us with his mad skillz and spitting some ill beats he was kind enough to offer to share the crack he was on his way to smoke with an elderly man near him.  So considerate, I generally offer my seat to the elderly who knew crack was as thoughtful?  Then there are those people who forget that there are people around them and carry on confidential conversations about work and co-workers.  Three weeks ago, I encountered two such geniuses on my way to work.  I really appreciated your stories especially the parts about one of my best friends who is one of your bosses. 

There are somethings about riding the bus that really irritate me.  My biggest pet peeves on the bus are:

• Strollers (especially travel systems) that take up two and three seats.  Did you pay for those seats?  No, great move the stroller so I can sit down and then move it back in front of me.  Another pet peeve is when the stroller is loaded down like a moving truck and then the kid who should be in the stroller is taking up another seat.
• Food, actually stinky food.  I am not a saint and do eat on the bus however my chocolate bar, muffin or bagel doesn't smell up the whole bus.  I do not need to be trapped on the 22 wheel hard top for 30 minutes smelling a fast food burger or onions off of your sandwich
• Loud phone talkers, um yeah there are at least 30 other people on the bus and we all don't care that Sara is a skank and stole Justin from you or that OMG you totally just got felt up by George even though his swag is totally lame.  Cool story bro, tell it again.
• Those who think the bus is there bathroom, yeah no need to be applying all your make up (I will admit to putting lipstick on while on the bus), clipping your nails, shaving your legs (witnessed on the GO Train from Aldershot to Port Credit) or flossing your teeth.
• Those who think the bus is their bedroom, you are supposed to climb onto the bus/train not your date.  If I wanted to see random strangers dry hump I would hang out Wedding reception halls and watch out for the Maid of Honour and Best Man to slip into the coat check.
• Bags on the seat, did you pay for that seat?  No then move your TNA duffel bag so I can sit my ass down.  Do I ever put my bag on the seat?  Yes when I am one of less then five people on the bus and near the back.

Despite the fact that I only pay for the ride and not the entertainment package that is included most days, I am thankful for (mostly) reliable transit service.  I am sure there is another post in the future about the bus adventures of the Queen of Public Transit.

Introducting you to Phat to Fit to Fabulous

About 23 years ago, my parents got the brilliant idea that we should move to the SUBURBS.  The only things I knew about the suburbs were from reading Judy Blume novels and didn't know if I had it in my to walk around chanting "we must we must increase our bust" or peek at my neighbours with binoculars however I didn't have a choice.  I knew I didn't have a choice when I called the Children's Aid Society to report the potential for child abuse and a very irritated man with a thick British accent scolded me and told me that real abuse was happening in homes around the city.  Dude, I was 13 and being moved to a town with one mall that should have landed me a celebrity studded telethon or at least a charity run in my opinion.  Back to the point of this post, we moved to the suburbs and I felt like I was on a whole other planet.  First day of school came and passed, hated it and cried all the way home telling my Mom how horrible she was and that I wasn't going back to that school where people "still pinned their jeans"-lost that battle and had to go back to the school with no walls.  Second day, this very bubbly girl came up to me and said "You're new here right, and from Toronto" and in my best sullen I hate life and everything about it voice I answered "yeah and now I live here" to which the bubbly girl responded "OMG, I love Toronto do you speak valley can you speak valley to me?" I clearly remember thinking what the hell is happening to my life and doesn't this girl know that the valley is in California then in the next millisecond thinking to myself this girl isn't like everyone else here and I think we could be friends.  This bubbly girl has a name and it is Fiona, did we become the bestest of friends and challenge each other to see who could have the highest Montclair bang pouf ever, no (not bffs however we were friends) and thank God no.

We crossed paths almost daily between Grade 8 and the end of high school, some of the same friends and she worked at the same grocery store as my high school boyfriend then we lost contact.  I did my thing and she did her thing.  I did manage to maintain friendships with a lot of my middle and high school friends but always wondered about Fiona and what she was doing with herself.  I always knew it would be amazing whatever it was, there was always something about her that knew one day she would shine.  One day my BFF (am I twelve??) sent me an invite to this thing called Facebook and I joined (apparently I am 12 afterall) and I started reconnecting with all sorts of people from my past and one of them was Fiona.

We caught up and started chatting and instantly I was a wee bit jealous, she was leading an amazing life and one that I had wanted for myself at one time.  Around the time we started chatting again, she started blogging and I think I developed a straight girl crush on her.  Holy shit!!!  I knew it, there was something awesome-that chick has mad talent and can write like nobodies business.  I would love for anyone who is reading my blog to head over and check out her amazing blog

And to you Miss Fiona, like ohmigod you totally rock and are totally awesomely fabulous already

Honouring the Original Teen Mom

Almost 37 years ago, there was a 15 year old girl finding out that her life would be changing forever and in a way she may not have expected.  The change was that she would be going from a average teenager to a Parent.  Despite having options that would have been "easier" and "simpler" she chose a road that I never ever could have chosen, she chose to raise the baby.  I know so much about this person, the person I mockingly call the Original Teen Mom (yes I know there were millions of teen mothers before her) because that baby was me.  In honour of my 36th Birthday, I decided to honour my Mom for being so awesome and doing such a great job raising me.

Unlike certain reality shows, that tend to glamorise being 16 and a Mom or have camera crews to catch all the mistakes that are made to be played out over and over again on blogs and celebrity (hello since when does getting knocked up equal being on TV?)"news" programs there was nothing remotely glamorous going on.  There was support from Family but for the most part it was just the two of us.  I am not going to bore my readers with stories about the relationship between my Parents mostly because I don't remember them together much and that isn't my story to tell.  To ensure that there were clothes on my back, food in my belly and a roof over my head my Mom took a job in a factory assembling lamps.  In order to ensure she got there on time it meant hauling me across the city at the crack of dawn.  There were times I got to go to work with her and it was fabulous.  No, no it wasn't some child labour camp it was amazing.  The people my Mom worked with bought me treats off the food truck and I got to sit at my Nanny's (my Grandmother not someone my Mom paid) desk and colour on her calendar.

If I was my Mother, I would have probably have left me on the steps of a Church somewhere if I had a child who pulled any of the following:
1-Seeing an ad on the Subway during rush hour for Raid and hollering "Hey Mom, that's what we use to kill our bugs
2-Telling an old man on the Subway that it was okay to eat cake for breakfast since my Mom did it every day.  I do not recall ever seeing my Mom eating cake but my Mom was pregnant with my Sister at the time
3-Announcing very loudly on a very crowded bus that I needed to poop and poop immediately.  Keeping in mind this was 1979 and public transit wasn't very user friendly, Susie got off the bus even though the next bus was going to be in an hour just so I could ..........fart.  Did I mention it was the dead of Winter and colder then my attitude at 13?
4-Reaching over and pulling off a wig of some random woman on the subway.


It was the Charmaine and Susie Show (missed those merchandise promotional opportunities, where were her PR people???) for the longest time.  We had our routine and the highlight was payday!!!!!  After work we would head to Bargain Harold's on Gerrard near Coxwell to buy new Goody brand hair barrette since I would lose most of them while out and about.  The other part of the tradition was going to The Sunrise Restaurant which was great until I had to go to the bathroom.  Oh my Buddha on a bobsled, the bathrooms in this place were bright orange and the smell was enough to knock you out.  I ran into someone years later who had been a waitress there and she remembered how I would carry on.  Thank goodness Harvey Levin and crew weren't around then otherwise I would have been all over the "news" for my Diva like behaviour.  In September 1980 things changed, we went from a 2 person show to a 4 person show and one of the side characters was a little sister.  The relationship we have is a whole other entry but let me tell you I was less then impressed to have a squawk box honing in on my territory.  As she lay quietly in her crib sleeping I would use my Ninja skills to sneak into my Mom's room and peer through the bars of her crib and slowly reach in and grab her her toes and squeeze and pull on each one until she screamed bloody murder.  When asked why she was crying my response was "I don't know" and was usually followed by "can we send her back to the Hospital now"

When I went through my I hate you, and you and everyone else phase (can a phase really last 10 years??) and generally wasn't a very pleasant person to be around-hell I didn't even like being around me most of the time; Susie was there rolling with the punches.  Calling me out on my bullshit when needed and loving me more then I loved myself at times.  There were the times when she told me that she didn't like me very much (and trust me I wouldn't have liked me either) but she would always love me.

When one of my best friends in High School made a decision that almost cost her her life, there was only one person who I could call and I did.  I called my Mom who at the time embarrassed me by yelling at my friend for the whole 15 minutes we were in the car.  To this day, almost 20 years later I am still thankful for her yelling.  I don't know if I ever told this to my friend but my Mom yelled at your Father also and told him to get his head out of his ass.

Speaking of High School, I had an amazing English teacher who is absolutely brilliant.  For one project he assigned the novel Tess of the Duberviels, I am certain this is an amazing book however it kept making me fall asleep even the Cole's notes did the same thing.  I knew that if only Hamish (my teacher) knew that it was medically impossible to continue reading I would be excused from the assignment.  One day after class I explained the situation to him and he seemed very concerned and kept asking if the prognosis was correct.  A short time after I left the class, he called my Mother to talk about my "situation" which she brought up immediately when I got home from school.  I had told Hamish that I had a horrible case of Necrophilia when I meant to say Narcolepsy-oops big difference between falling asleep without warning and having sex with dead people. 

On July 5th, 2004 my world changed forever and I wanted to die.  I planned on dieing but it was my Mom who made me flush the toilet instead of swallowing.  I have never told her that for fear of disappointing her. 


I am so proud of you for growing up from a 16 year old who had a baby and that is about it to an amazing Mother (of 3)  and an even better Nanny to 3 and a great example of what hard work and dedication look like.  There weren't big parties thrown so our pictures could be in glossy magazines.  There weren't veneers and Botox shots at 22 to regain your "lost youth" there was the same pair of crappy running shoes worn for years on end and ponytails worn because you knew what was important and what wasn't. 
Thanks for being such an amazing Mom, love you.

I am the Brand

Almost all of the reality shows I watch aren't just shows they (or the people on them) have morphed into a brand.  I didn't need a film crew, stylist or PR person to help mold me into my public persona-life did that for me.  The brand that is Charmaine is all about perception and how people see me, some of it is who I really am and other parts are all smoke and mirrors.  No that isn't an admission of being a fake, it is an admission of not correcting people who don't take the time to get to know the real me.

My "real full time" job is one that I actually love going to on a daily basis.  While my official title sounds like I should be wearing a tiara, sash and carrying a sceptre Provincial Health and Safety regulations won't allow that so I settled for a fancy silver name badge instead.  I am known for three things at work; being bossy, quirky and crazy.  Yes, I am all three of those things-to a degree.  L,  is a friend and co-worker pointed out once, I am not bossy I just know what everyone needs to be doing ALL THE TIME.  It is true and to be honest, I am always respectful of those I work with and will not make anyone feel small.  Crazy does come in handy a lot of the time, who else would work 24 straight hours three days after having surgery, a seizure and no pain killers.  Right, I would.  My crazy does tend to come from my dedication to the job.  Apparently one day, my crazy vibe was low since I was asked what was going on and why the change of location had killed it-the question was never asked again.  Quirky, hands down and you know what it is how people remember me and as a result I have a lot of repeat business because people know I am being real with them and not trying to be someone I am not.  Have these qualities hindered my career?  Yeah, hands down it has taken me longer then I have wanted to reach certain benchmarks however I think that my true dedication and work ethic are coming out loud and clear along with being recognised by those who need to see it.

Do you remember the song "Bitch" by Meredith Brooks?  For the longest time, I felt like that was my anthem and not in a good way-I didn't care who thought I was a bitch or why they thought it; then I realised what the lyrics of the song were actually saying and I was really okay with it.  There are probably a handful of people who I have come into contact with over the last 36 years who know what those lyrics mean when it comes to me.

All good brands go through transitions, some are better then other.  Remember the fiasco of New Coke? The advantage of being my own brand is I get to choose do I want a line of OPI nail colours or do I want to reach everyone and strike a deal with Revlon?  Will I endorse the brand love my his Royal Airness or kick it old school with Rev Run and Steven Tyler?  I am looking at 2012 and being 36 as a transitional year and ultimately being the year of awesome.